what is healthy?
It seems like I can’t eat healthily. I tried, I’ve tried to lose weight by eating the 1200kcal you are supposed to eat, as well as walking to school every day. But the problem is my binges. I am sure now, I DO have binge eating disorder. It’s either just that, or maybe dysthymia. I should probably go see a psychologist, just to talk to someone without judgement.
The problem is that if I tell anyone, they will say it is because of the boyfriend. I tried talking a bit to him, but even HE thinks it’s because of him, or that I just think that I have some sort of diagnosis because I’ve read about it. Like I’m a wannabe or something. That’s what I’m afraid people will think.
But this is not going to fix itself. It’s been 10 years of feeling fat all the time and not being able to wear clothes I want to because I’m afraid that people will think bad of me. Afraid to show my flabby stomach. To disgust people.. I’m terrified of drawing attention, because people will think “hah, look at her, she think she’s pretty but she’s really horrible”.. So I haven’t dressed feminine at all, just jeans and hoodies. I CAN wear red jeans, and feel cool. Because I can still wear a hoodie to hide the stomach. What I can’t do is dress pretty. I need to get through this somehow, and I can’t do it myself.
The last days I’ve been under eating. And it feels really good. I’m not going to be able to eat regularly anyway, it’s either binge or eat too little. The temptations are too big, so I need to either stay away or eat “it all”.. I’ll go home for Christmas in a short week. I always binge around Christmas. I’ll do my best to stay away from things this year. Christmas eve is going to be a lot of food, and that’s okay. But not all of the days! At least I need to have that goal.
In a way, I hope nobody reads this. I just need a place to “talk”, so the thoughts don’t scramble inside my head. I am no inspiration to anyone, and people would see me as weak, since I’ve tried to loose weight in so many years. I know all this. But still, I need to vent somewhere.
