February 2012
7 posts
it is hard concentrating on school work when all you want to do is to die.
Today was same weight as yesterday but the body fat went down from 34.3% to 33.3%. I also am quite constipated so it will even out later.
Going home for the weekend tomorrow. We’ll see about the eating then. At least my cravings haven’t been that high lately. I think I’ll bring some chupa chups home with me. It really is good to have them, as they are about 50kcal, can last a...
yeah
69.9kg. finally below 70 again!
(healthy eating, 1200-1400 since last Monday)
getting my sugar fix with chupa chups. (~50kcal each)
January 2012
2 posts
December 2011
5 posts
Saturday: drinking and Christmas food (christmas party) and Sunday: a lot of shit.
But Friday was good, and tomorrow is back to “eat as little as possible”, but I might go up to 1200 because of the exam on Tuesday. If I feel I need it to read properly or something. We’ll see.
I felt really good without the bloated, heavy feeling that I’m used to. I know I feel better...
Good friday
I got by the friday just having 700kcal. That’s including 2 cookies at boyfriend’s place. So i’m happy about that. Now i’m it the hot tub. Christmas party with work people in 2 hours. I have not seen them in a while. I am super nervous now.. Also, it’s cold outside and i’m wearing a dress.. It’ll be find though. But I will probably eat a lot. That’s...
what is healthy?
It seems like I can’t eat healthily. I tried, I’ve tried to lose weight by eating the 1200kcal you are supposed to eat, as well as walking to school every day. But the problem is my binges. I am sure now, I DO have binge eating disorder. It’s either just that, or maybe dysthymia. I should probably go see a psychologist, just to talk to someone without judgement.
The problem is...
October 2011
4 posts
I wish I had someone to complain to
When I feel like this whole masters degree is way over my head, and that I have waaay too little time to write the article I’m supposed to present in one week and hand in in two weeks (abstract has to be handed in before Monday). I feel like crying, but if I talk to the BF, he will urge me to quit the whole thing. And my mom is way too “just get a grip”. Gah, I feel lost and...
binge eating disorder has taken over
I don’t even know my weight right now. I hope I can get back into some normal eating, so I don’t overeat every single day.
Love is good and love is kind
love is drunk and love is blind
love is good and love is mine
love is drunk all the time
shame
It’s hard finding the motivation to study and read articles, when all I want to do is be in my bed, sleeping. I feel like crap. I wish I was never born.
September 2011
37 posts
I feel awful
And it’s not just because i’ve binged the last days, but I think the binges are some of the result of me feeling awful. I think maybe it’s because of me switching birth control pills again. I got the wrong kind last time so used another kind for 3 months. I feel really depressed again. And it’s not consistent. Some days I feel really happy without reason and other days I...
“I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I’ve build my life around...”
– fleetwood mac - landslide
ugh
I feel quite bad for all the food in my fridge right now. It’s all full fat food as well. Cream cheese with bacon (full fat), regular cheese (two kinds), ham (that one is good), other sausage thing, mayonnaise etc. I’m NOT going to eat that mayonnaise. But what should I do with it? It makes my stomach hurt to think they spent all that money on food that I will throw out. So I feel torn...
Food
My parents bought some food for themselves when they got here. Then they decided to buy a lot so I could have the rest. So now I have a lot of different food to have on bread. They were trying to be nice, but I had only planned on a binge today, not the rest of the week.. Need to find some way to deal with this. Throwing away food is okay when I bought it myself because of some momentarily...
tiny setback
had oatmeal porridge now. Not with butter and sugar though, so it’s not THAT bad. Still makes today 1400kcal.
Tomorrow I won’t be counting calories. At least not really because I’m going to a restaurant with my parents and since it’s to celebrate my bachelor’s degree + it’s free, I’m going to eat whatever I want + dessert. I think I’ll count a bit...
even less!
68.1 today. This is what having my period does to me, I lose weigh super fast. It’s absolutely because of not taking the pill those days. I’m starting to really consider stopping using them. Since my bf is terrified of getting a child, I don’t really need them for the intended purpose. I basically use them for the sake of knowing (and controlling/postponing) my period. Plus I...
wow
68.5kg this morning. NICE! Probably will be higher again tomorrow, but it still excites me!
BTW
Just weighed in at 69.0. That should mean my weight will be lower tomorrow morning. Just got my period as well. I usually lose weight while on it, which probably has to do with birth control pills or something. I’m wondering how it will be this time.
I’ve almost finished my jam that I bought less than 48 hours ago. I guess when the whole jar is les than 200kcal, it’s easy to eat...
consumption today stopped at 1050, which feels nice :) walked to/from uni. I am cold now and need to go to bed!
63.3kg again this morning. body fat % is still 33% which it has been since the end of the summer. I hope it goes down soon. At school now. Have had 150kcal and burned 100 of them by walking here. Just made coffee, I’ll have to have some more food before going to a lecture at 10:15. My stomach is rumbling now.
Total 1200kcal today. I’m proud and feel good! cleaned the kitchen instead of having oatmeal porridge or other things I was craving after dinner. nice. I hope weight hasn’t gone much up tomorrow.
surprisingly enough
I weighed 69.1kg this morning. Even with my increased intake yesterday. Didn’t eat anything else in the evening though, so I didn’t eat after 6 in the evening. All the other days I’ve eaten later, so that has to appear on the scale. Just the weight of the food etc.
Now I’ve eaten breakfast and maybe lunch. Or pre-lunch or something. Crispbreads today with raspberry jam....
recap
So I still felt crappy when I got home, but it went away a bit later. I guess holding in your stomach isn’t that good. Didn’t feel that good though, I think I’m starting to have a cold or something. And I got this huge craving and made oatmeal porridge again. This time I actually weighed things though, so that thing was 600kcal. That makes today 1550kcal. Which is too much, but...
i took a paracetamol pain reliever and it kind of worked. not so much pain now, but still a weirdness in my stomach. Not very funny. I don’t feel too good. Can’t seem to be doing anything sensible here at school. Maybe I should go home already? I actually think I will do that. The apartment needs cleaning.
but today it was down to 69.3 again
My stomach hurts though. It’s been doing that for 24 hours now. Not funny. It felt like I was really hungry this morning but it didn’t really help when I ate and I still feel really hungry. Ugh. And it’s producing gas and making me feel super bloated.
a bit annoyed
that my weight was 69.9kg today. This means it’s been up the last three days. I did go from 70.5 - 69.3 in one day though, so the fact that it’s been up again after that is not really a surprise. Hopefully the weight will drop again soon. I did eat a huge dinner yesterday, at least in volume. Mushrooms, tomoatoes and the liquid soup. It all takes a lot of space in the stomach but...
So..
I don’t know my exact calories for today, but I think it has to be less than 1400 at least, and maybe around 1300. Had quite a big portion of thai chicken soup with ginger and coconut milk and stuff. It was 350kcal with all the ingredients I added (coconut milk, chicken, mushrooms, tomato) but I made it with this spice mix that had sugar as it’s first ingredient. With these 350kcal,...
Kind of a little binge. Had maybe 1500 kcal today, with half of them in one go. Made oatmeal porridge but put butter and sugar in it. Quite a lot of it as well. But yeah. I still feel okay. Tomorrow is the start of a new week with hopefully walking to school every day :-)
sunday
Ate 1300 again yesterday, and burned 100 on the stepper. not that much, but I don’t think it’s that bad for a Saturday. Was 69.3kg this morning, which is a bit more than yesterday. But I had quite a big dinner, so I guess some of it is natural fluctuations.
Just realised i’ve eaten maybe 95% carbohydrates today. Sick. Rolled oats + rice milk for breakfast, wasa crispbread for lunch, with jam and a bit liver pate (some fat and proteins there) + 4 oat biscuits because they were so tasty. Then, I didn’t have many calories left so I had a salad when I got home, with only chinese cabbage, tomato and cucumber + low fat thousand island dressing....
my mood is crap right now
The apartment makes me look like a hoarder, but I’m just lazy and apathetic. I want to listen to sad music and do self harmful things. I miss my boyfriend, and I am scared of our future. Starting my masters degree is scaring the crap out of me. I have nothing to watch and I’m really bored. I envy the people that are partying tonight, I wish I was social. I want medical stuff to fix my...
3 tags
I made the right decision
At least I think so. Weight was 69.9kg this morning, which means I’m within range of the statistic that’s on my bathroom mirror. It starts on 70.0kg and goes down to 64 or so. I’m just making a second graph in blue pen, over the old one that’s in black. The graph made me more accountable the last time around, but since it’s already filled out and I’ve failed...
I’ve seen some before and afters of people with my body shape. It makes me feel so sad, because I still think it looks weird and I don’t want to look like that either. Never want to reblog those photos though, because I’d hate to make the people in them feel bad. Especially when they’ve lost a lot of weight and probably should be complimented. Ugh. At least I have my...
5 tags
not bad
I felt like crap earlier. Not enough energy, it was super hard to walk home. Made a huge salad with mostly chinese cabbage + 2 boiled eggs + some ham + a tomato + cucumber, with diet thousand island dressing (it was the only diet dressing available!!) which got me energized again. (300kcal)
I bought more food today as well. Portioned things to bring to school, for my “office”. I have...
whooo
1100 in, 450 out. 250 walking, 200 on stepper thing. I’m a bit afraid of pumping up the muscles on my legs now. I have big enough thighs as it is. Anyway. A good day. Weight was quite high this morning though, it’s because of Monday’s binge. Need to keep on track.