Saturday: drinking and Christmas food (christmas party) and Sunday: a lot of shit.
But Friday was good, and tomorrow is back to “eat as little as possible”, but I might go up to 1200 because of the exam on Tuesday. If I feel I need it to read properly or something. We’ll see.
I felt really good without the bloated, heavy feeling that I’m used to. I know I feel better without a full (too full) stomach, but I can’t seem to remember that always. I’ll go to bed now, weigh myself tomorrow and be back on track. Yeah!
I got by the friday just having 700kcal. That’s including 2 cookies at boyfriend’s place. So i’m happy about that. Now i’m it the hot tub. Christmas party with work people in 2 hours. I have not seen them in a while. I am super nervous now.. Also, it’s cold outside and i’m wearing a dress.. It’ll be find though. But I will probably eat a lot. That’s okay though.
Being overweight is harder than losing weight.
To me, being overweight is really easy, I just isolate myself all the time and don’t want to talk to people. But it’s still much easier to just sit alone and binge.. It’s only when I meet people I see what I’m missing. Instant gratification is so much stronger in me than long term goals.. Still, I know I have to be around people, so that’s when the problem starts..
(Source: justaweightlosswarrior)
It seems like I can’t eat healthily. I tried, I’ve tried to lose weight by eating the 1200kcal you are supposed to eat, as well as walking to school every day. But the problem is my binges. I am sure now, I DO have binge eating disorder. It’s either just that, or maybe dysthymia. I should probably go see a psychologist, just to talk to someone without judgement.
The problem is that if I tell anyone, they will say it is because of the boyfriend. I tried talking a bit to him, but even HE thinks it’s because of him, or that I just think that I have some sort of diagnosis because I’ve read about it. Like I’m a wannabe or something. That’s what I’m afraid people will think.
But this is not going to fix itself. It’s been 10 years of feeling fat all the time and not being able to wear clothes I want to because I’m afraid that people will think bad of me. Afraid to show my flabby stomach. To disgust people.. I’m terrified of drawing attention, because people will think “hah, look at her, she think she’s pretty but she’s really horrible”.. So I haven’t dressed feminine at all, just jeans and hoodies. I CAN wear red jeans, and feel cool. Because I can still wear a hoodie to hide the stomach. What I can’t do is dress pretty. I need to get through this somehow, and I can’t do it myself.
The last days I’ve been under eating. And it feels really good. I’m not going to be able to eat regularly anyway, it’s either binge or eat too little. The temptations are too big, so I need to either stay away or eat “it all”.. I’ll go home for Christmas in a short week. I always binge around Christmas. I’ll do my best to stay away from things this year. Christmas eve is going to be a lot of food, and that’s okay. But not all of the days! At least I need to have that goal.
In a way, I hope nobody reads this. I just need a place to “talk”, so the thoughts don’t scramble inside my head. I am no inspiration to anyone, and people would see me as weak, since I’ve tried to loose weight in so many years. I know all this. But still, I need to vent somewhere.
(Source: skelegirlxx)
When I feel like this whole masters degree is way over my head, and that I have waaay too little time to write the article I’m supposed to present in one week and hand in in two weeks (abstract has to be handed in before Monday). I feel like crying, but if I talk to the BF, he will urge me to quit the whole thing. And my mom is way too “just get a grip”. Gah, I feel lost and lonely and shit. BF will visit this weekend. I have the whole of tomorrow to go through the rest of the articles + start on the presentation, then Friday to finish the presentation abstract and I also have Monday to finish the presentation before having to handing in the ppt-file. Ugh, I’m terrified. Or more precisely, I’m super stressed out so I don’t have time to be afraid of the presentation. One good thing I suppose. Then there is one more week until the final article deadline. I guess I can use that weekend as well, so I hope i manage to scrape through.
I hate handing in things that I’m not 100% happy with.
And shit, there’s a report as well, for next week. But I think that will be okay, since I’m mostly done and am used to writing those things.
I don’t even know my weight right now. I hope I can get back into some normal eating, so I don’t overeat every single day.
Love is good and love is kind love is drunk and love is blind love is good and love is mine love is drunk all the time shame